Ant sends me another photo from Oslo:
Like you, I sense the romance…
“So I went to this party the other day right, it was really posh, you know, all the kings of the forest was there, you had your Eagles, your Stags and them Black Bears. I got an invite cos my cousin is a Black Bear and actually my grandfather was a Black Bear as well, and if you brush the hair on my left flank the wrong way it looks pretty black. So, yeah, I thought, this’ll be great! I always wanted to meet a Moose on equal terms, you know, I thought that after this I could hold my head up high as I crossed the forest on my way to the mountains, you know, which I have to do from time to time. The only problem as far as I could see it, was jewellery. A Brown Bear’s claws don’t really count, you know, not like horns or a massive beak or anything like that. I tried a few things, balancing a branch on my head (actually the one with blossom was nice), wrapping my paws in brambles, but to be honest that weren’t going to impress.
Anyway, often there’s these humans that come up the mountains, to get away from the other humans I suppose. I watch them from my rocks and eat what they leave for me, they’re respectful like that, although they don’t really like the same things I do. I always hope they’ll leave one of their young for me, that would be more like it. But, yeah, so I was watching this one female, the day of the party,, she didn’t have any clothes on, it was hot and she was just lying there on the warm rocks. I wasn’t hungry. I had this party on my mind and I started to get the idea that this person could be part of my outfit, somehow. I especially liked the irony of wearing a naked human as an accessory. I suppose she must have heard me chuckling at that cos she got up and looked straight at me. Now, she didn’t look too scared – and my summer coat is pretty tasty too, so maybe she were admiring it – so we just stood where we were. I’d seen the way men act around women and I reckoned the strong-arm tactic just wasn’t gonna work, so I went for the other tactic. I sort of lay down and slowly shuffled toward her, bit by bit, kind of going “hmmm ooohh” and stuff like that. I felt like a bit of a prick, and hoped none of my mates could see me, but it seemed to be doing the trick. She took a few steps forward. She smelled like fruits mixed with wax and I started to drool a little bit, but I thought “Don’t eat her yet, mate!” She kept coming closer and I thought that as soon as she touches my fur, that’s it, I’ll have her. Now, you know that bear’s have got a tender mouth, right? I could carry a dozen eggs a dozen miles across peaks and lakes, me, so no worries about damaging the jewellery.
Well, you can guess what happened next. She looks at me a bit funny and reaches out to touch my head – Believe you me, no bear has exerted this kind of will power when faced with a free lunch like that – she touches my head and Snap! I got her by the elbow, perfect. Oh, well she starts screaming and all that so I sort of lay on top of her smothering her with my summer coat. After a while she stopped screaming and I let her up. She was on all fours so I just flipped her up on me back and jogged off.
I won’t take you through all the hassle I had with her, I mean she had to go to the loo all the time, she wanted water and something to eat, she wouldn’t stop talking about this bloke who was supposed to meet her but didn’t and how her electricity bill was getting more expensive and what she was going to do if she didn’t get home that night. I just sort of went “hmmm” and grunted from time to time. So that evening as it was getting dark I nodded my head a few times up and down, like, she got the point and climbed on. “This is it!” I thought, surely can’t fail to impress with this woman necklace / hat combo. I was grinning from ear to ear as I approached the party place, I could hear all the others having a ball. I was a bit nervous to tell the honest truth, but I had faith in my taste and daring. I came round the trees, grunted to a few birds and foxes and little’uns like that, but everyone seemed to be looking at me funny. What had I done? I looked around, and blow me down with a feather, if there wasn’t every bloody king of the forest with their own naked human entangled in their horns or riding their back, or dead at their feet. I mean, blimey, sometimes you just can’t win.